Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
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Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke