Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
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Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?