Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”