Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
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Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.