Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
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put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My diet starts in January
of 2027
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
that wasn’t the question
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
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Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
bugs when you lift up a rock
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?