Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no