Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
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Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.