Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
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[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.