Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.