Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.