Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
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me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
What’s a Messi?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty