Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My daily affirmation
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
prepare for carbonated trouble
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything