Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
You Might Also Like
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job