@urmumsausername

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

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@Jake_Vig

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

@MamaFizzles

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

@FrankConniff

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

@IamJackBoot

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

@hythemafia

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

@Puncroaker

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

@Bandersnaaatch

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

@KentWGraham

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

@wittwitbarista

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.