Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
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In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.