Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
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A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
quarantine day 3