Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
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When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*