Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
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FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.