Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken