Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.