Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
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[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”
“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok