not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
You Might Also Like
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use