Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
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When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Personal question. #JustSaying
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…