Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

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i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on


[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.


How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?


This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley


If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.


cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there


doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon


🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile


In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.