Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
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I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.