Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
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Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Go girl power!
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: there鈥檚 nothing I wouldn鈥檛 do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it鈥檚 raining a little bit
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Her: you haven鈥檛 changed since the day we met
Me: THEY鈥橰E MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU鈥橰E RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 馃檨
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
See..?
.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C鈥檓ere! I鈥檝e got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?