Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
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UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.