Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
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When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”