Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
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Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
fly smarter, not harder
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really