Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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