Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.