Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
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When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo