Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
You Might Also Like
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Holy shit he’s back
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
not seeing the problem
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare