Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
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WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Buck naked
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets