Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”