Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.