Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

You Might Also Like


Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.


Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.


My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job


Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle


I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.


You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.


Rival Gang Leader:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you


GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*