@ddsmidt

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

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@NoTheOtherJohn

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

@oneawkwardmom

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

@newLettuce

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

@simoncholland

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

@That_Damn_Duck

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

@T_N_Crumpets

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

@PaperWash

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*