Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
The cashier just checked me out.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.