Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes