Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Finally a use for spoilers…
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth