Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
You Might Also Like
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.