Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
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How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.