Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
You Might Also Like
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.