Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
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me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco