not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
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Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
The two types of wives
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Squirrels before girls.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot