Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
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*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.