Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
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I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.