Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
men, we mow at sunrise.