Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
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Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you