Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
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If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back