Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.