Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
These are my roll models.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty