@byrdie_num_num

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

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@handsforkeys

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

@HushJared

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

@AllanForsyth

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

@simoncholland

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

@carlyken

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

@AndyAsAdjective

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

@ThisOneSayz

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.