Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
You Might Also Like
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]