not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*