Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
No. He’s not coming out to play
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Guy who likes music