Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
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Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.